Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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