I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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