last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
