it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
