I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
