oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
