nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
