Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
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He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
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you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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