You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
