I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
