True but thats because hes a fetus.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
