I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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