I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
