When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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