I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
