I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
