I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
