he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
