New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
