I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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