I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
