Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
