Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize