I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
