Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
honey bunches of taint.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
