Your face is a jimmy john
You work out of a Hotel?
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
