did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
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She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
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I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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