I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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