Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
