Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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