Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
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I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
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You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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