What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
