While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
