I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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