My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
