Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
