I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
