just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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