Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
