i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
