Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
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