So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
