I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
