just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
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I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
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I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Do you have feelings for this penis?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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