Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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