I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
