She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
