Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Jerry, you need to find god
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
