mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
