I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
