sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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