I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
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