having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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