I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
