In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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