I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
