i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
