is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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